‘Something’ happened on my birthday in 2024: a shift. ‘A shift’ as a label doesn’t even quite land. As much as I am a fan of words, there are times when language is a barrier to communication. I’m struggling to articulate what happened on my 37th birthday, but I seek to try.

The day the world (seemingly) stood still

July in Melbourne, Australia, is reliably miserable weather-wise. My birthday last year was a washout – a grey July day like any other day except for the contact from people I hadn’t heard from in about 12 months (i.e. since my last birthday). As an aside, I am fascinated to know why people seek to make contact on a solitary day despite the radio silence all year.

I struggle with birthdays generally. Contrary to what appears to be a social convention in Australia, I don’t enjoy spending the day with everyone I’ve ever met and eating and drinking as much as I can. I typically find myself reflecting, and unfortunately, as an over-thinker, my journaling usually descends into exploring everything I didn’t do, achieve or be over the last year.

Birthday 37 was no exception. Yes, I ate and drank whatever I wanted, but it’s almost like a sombre soundtrack accompanied me throughout the day. Let me be clear: I understand my privilege and do the best I can to keep myself in check. I’m educated, middle class, and have parents who do whatever they can to help me in addition to having a safe space to call home. After the hustle and bustle of the work day, I spend most of my evenings looking out my window to see the sun setting and hear birds chirping.

Nothing in life is binary

I find humans enjoy taking a ‘black’ and ‘white’ approach to life. We class things as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. There are many shades of grey between ‘black’ and ‘white’. Additionally, more than one thing can be true at the same time. I can check my privilege and allow myself to ask the big question many people likely ask but may not allow themselves to explore: Is this all there is?

Midlife is a time for the big life questions

In my 20s, I remember knowing I had oodles of time to pursue whatever was the flavour of the month at the time. Things are different as I approach 40. I am not saying 40 is ‘old’ (I’m not a fan of that word anyway), but by this age, you’re looking at the second half of life. The best part is that we take all the learnings from the past with us into this period. While much of society fixates on looking younger, I’d much rather focus on channelling my hard-fought wisdom. As a woman, I feel the pressure to look the same at every age is ever-present. Why?

We forget that not everyone has the privilege of ageing. When it comes to lifestyle choices, we can exercise, eat a balanced diet, manage our stress levels, and so on, all of which can help ensure our longevity. Additionally, I am hyper-aware that health is also reliant on luck. I understand many believe our purpose is to simply live, and I respect that. I can’t help but believe there must be more. I heard on a podcast this week we are here to teach what we have learned in our lifetime, and that sits well with me.

Being on the outside of life is difficult

Even as young as 4 years old, I knew I was different. I wasn’t quite like all the other girls or even kids, more broadly speaking. I recall having moments where I was very aware that I was on the outside looking in on life. As I have matured and experienced the challenges life has sent my way, the feelings of being ‘other’ and ‘different’ have been reiterated repeatedly.

James Hollis’ work is currently providing a safe refuge for me. He teaches that the goal of life is to find meaning rather than happiness. Happiness is fleeting, but to be out in the world doing work that positively impacts others in some tiny way is priceless. Perhaps it is nothing more than ego that drives me to believe, in my small way, that I can leave the world in a better state.

Living counter-culture is an experience

There was no grand plan in place but I find myself without a partner and kids. From what I see around me, that is atypical at my age. One part of me thinks a lonely road is ahead. Another part of me looks at people I know who are partnered and/or with kids and (although this is a judgement) it doesn’t feel they are better off. In reality, their life is more complicated. I love the simplicity of my life. Nothing stops me from chasing a brand new life tomorrow if that’s what I decide to do on a whim. What I am seeking is what I think we are all seeking in our own way in a modern world that doesn’t necessarily facilitate this: connected community.

For now, I am committed to allowing myself to marinade and allow life to unfold.

Soulful Steps

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