For so many women in midlife and beyond, the idea of self-care sparks guilt. We know we ‘should’ be engaging in self-care practices, yet the thought of prioritising ourselves is a stretch too far for many. After all, we’ve simmered in a societal soup for several years that tells us that if we aren’t focusing on others, we are selfish, indulgent, and failing in our role as nurturers.

Underneath the many perceived roadblocks to self-care is often one powerful emotion that is running the show: shame.

Shame convinces us that we don’t deserve to rest, slow down, or think of ourselves first. And until we learn to recognise and work with it, self-care will always feel like a battle. When it comes to shame, no one is more qualified to draw on for a definition than researcher, Brené Brown. Below is an excerpt from her Shame vs Guilt article:

“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

“I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.”

What shame can look like in midlife

When I talk about shame with the women I work with, it rarely shows up in an obvious way. Instead, I hear it in sentences such as:

• If I slow down or don’t do what needs to be done, everything will fall apart
• Other women seem to cope, so why can’t I?
• I feel like I’m going through the motions each day

Shame makes us believe that our worth is tied to caregiving, constant busyness and being endlessly available to others. Shame whispers that if we dare to prioritise ourselves, we’re failing at being a ‘good’ mother, daughter, partner, friend or whatever other role you play in this world.

Such feelings are often magnified for women in midlife who have accumulated several roles over the course of their lifetime. Think managing households, caring for ageing parents, taking care of the kids, building and maintaining careers and more. The sheer weight of the demands of daily life is heavy enough without the extra burden of shame layered on top.

How shame stops self-care before it begins

Self-care isn’t about fancy spa days, green juices or detoxes, or booking expensive retreats. It’s about listening to your body, understanding your needs, and creating space for yourself.

Shame tells us that listening to our own needs is dangerous and that:

• If you rest, you’re lazy
• If you say no, you’re selfish
• If you slow down, you’re a mess

Sometimes, we need to embrace the mess to make our way closer to whatever awaits us. My work is about more than embodied journaling: it’s about shifting from problem to possibility (full disclosure: this is not my line. It’s from a creative project I’ve been working on for years).

Pushing through the exhaustion, ignoring the physical and emotional signs from our body and giving until there’s nothing left to give is no way to live. This ruthless cycle is one of the biggest reasons women in midlife experience burnout, emotional disconnection, and a lingering sense of emptiness.

Shame doesn’t have to continue running the show

One of the most powerful shifts we can make is to reframe self-care as a non-negotiable rather than an indulgence. To know you, too, are worthy of care, rest, support and all of the things you want for your loved ones. Why don’t we extend the same kindness to ourselves as we offer so naturally to others?

Where to begin

The shame monster can be quite the gremlin. Shame isn’t something that disappears overnight. But with awareness and gentle practice, you can loosen its grip. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

Practice self-awareness

Pay attention to the words you use when you think about self-care. Do you hear the words ‘lazy’ or ‘selfish.’ Simply noticing and being curious is a great first step.

Define what self-care means to you

We’re all unique. My idea of self-care likely differs from yours. Forget your Instagram feed. Self-care may look like journaling for five minutes, sitting in silence or saying no to something you genuinely don’t want to do. Small acts count. You can download my free Gentle Journaling Jumpstart printable if you are drawn to journaling. The printable includes seven journal prompts and three steps to help you get started quickly in a trauma-informed way.

Seek safe spaces

Healing shame often requires being witnessed without judgment. There is no healing without safety. Whether through journaling for your eyes only, a trusted friend, or professional support, find spaces where you can share honestly and feel seen.

Know you’re not alone

Shame is (unfortunately) often part of the human experience for many of us. Even more so for women who have spent years putting everyone else first.

Self-care isn’t about doing more. It’s about remembering that you are human and are worthy of the same tenderness you give so freely to those you love.