Milestone mayhem: our world is obsessed with the markers that supposedly define success.

Establish a career by 30.

Get married by 35.

Have a couple of kids by 40 after achieving financial stability.

Aspire to reach fulfillment by 50.

Sound familiar? Although inconvenient, there’s no timeline for fulfillment because we are constantly changing and evolving. What fulfils us at 20 can’t possibly fulfil us at 50.

It’s easy to get sucked into society’s invisible timelines, especially when we fail to follow the script. I should know.

I’ve never been married. I don’t have children, and if I were to describe my life in a moment of weakness, another ‘f’ word comes to mind. 

Am I experiencing a midlife crisis?

The internet seems undecided on the ‘typical’ age someone may experience a midlife crisis. Based on my research (yes, I’ve done my homework), it seems to be anywhere between the ages of 40 and 60. And then there are the outliers like me. I’m 38 at the time of writing, and when I started Googling the questions, thoughts and feelings I’m experiencing, the words ‘midlife crisis’ surfaced repeatedly. If you’re reading, you likely know what I mean.

What have I accomplished?

What do I want from the second part of my life?

Am I simply playing a character in this world? 

Personally, I feel the idea of a ‘midlife crisis’ is rather dramatic and sounds more like marketing spiel than anything grounded in reality. I’ve concluded that I’m at this place almost everyone finds themselves at sooner or later, a touch earlier, because I’m not running around after kids or in a relationship. I live alone, work long hours, but ultimately have a lot of spare time for introspection and questioning. And yes, I question everything.

While attaching a sparkly label to what I’m experiencing (’midlife crisis’ or an ‘identity crisis’) may help me feel less alone, I feel the reality is simple: I want to take the learnings from the first 38 chapters of life and make the most out of however many chapters I have left. In my early 20s, I thought 38 was so old and ancient. And now I’m on the cusp of 40 and realising Brené Brown was correct in writing: 

Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:

“I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing—these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt—has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”

The myth of ‘by now’

How often have you caught yourself thinking, I should have figured this out by now?

I am guilty as charged, especially when it comes to certain thought loops and patterns about the things I value.

How many times am I going to pivot in business?

You’ve already wasted years on projects that will never see the light of day. Am I really going down that rabbit hole again?

Others have worked it out. What’s wrong with me?

We’re all different in terms of the areas of life we constantly lament over, but there are two words that serve no one: by now. Why? Because they lead us to believe there’s a finish line we’re supposed to cross, and if we haven’t, we’ve somehow fallen behind.

Fulfillment isn’t a race. It’s not a checklist. It’s not something you achieve through sheer effort. (Trust me, I know.) In my experience, the more I want something and the harder I chase it, the further away it seems. Cue the eye rolling (because this is what I do at times, too, when this sentiment appears), but in reality, life is one big journey. To use an analogy from a YouTuber (Scott Ste Marie) I am paraphrasing:

There’s nothing at the top of the mountain, but there’s plenty on the journey up.

Midlife crisis or no tolerance for nonsense?

People always focus on the perceived negatives of getting older, but personally, in some ways, I’ve found great relief in ageing. Benefits include:

• Caring less and less by the day what people think of me—most people don’t know me
• Accepting ‘I don’t want to’ is reason enough
• Organically shedding people who never cared about me to begin with
• Having enough life experience to question everything
• Realising my happiness often lies in removing things and people from my life rather than adding more of anything

So, what do we do with the restlessness?

New shoes or fancy nails aren’t going to quench our thirst for knowing there’s more for us. There’s no shame in feeling like we’re not where we want to be.

We aren’t static beings. We evolve. Our desires change, our energy shifts, and what we need from life transforms along with us.

The answers we seek cannot be found outside of us. This is an inside job. Go wherever you feel drawn and make time and space for whatever brings you closer to the sun. Writing and journaling are a refuge for me. The reflection app has become a great tool in helping me to ensure my journal remains a friend rather than spiralling into a foe (i.e., a place where I beat myself up for all the things I ‘should’ have done and achieved by now). That said, I have a toolkit of practices that support my mental health and well-being, including walking, strength training, meditation, and a couple of friends who know the worst things about me and still talk to me. 

You’re exactly where you’re meant to be

As am I. Even though that’s tough to remember on the days when I’m struggling. There’s no crisis. There’s no trainwreck. There’s only returning to ourselves. 

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